this old anvil

In an email I got today a friend takes me to task for “propos(ing) that a woman in a committed relationship violate her promise of fidelity to the man she loves.  If you were in his shoes you would probably feel differently.” 

Actually, I didn’t really say, “Hey, Janet, why not cheat on your lover with me?”  Ideally, she should be in an “open” relationship that is not threatened by outside sexual activity.  I think most people these days accept that their spouses and Significant Others have friends of the opposite sex that they spend time with alone, for drinks, conversation, companionship, whatever.  Why not allow sex into that “whatever?”  I’ve often found it to be the fitting end to a pleasant evening – or a nice way to greet the dawn – with  someone I like (not love).  It can be done with affection and respect, without threatening one’s partner’s more serious relationship.

But let’s say Janet’s willing but her S.O. isn’t.  Who was it that said: “The thief treasures the taking more than the prize?”  I’ll admit to having “fooled around” with a couple of married women in the past, as well as had some “lapses” in my faithfulness certain times when I was supposed to be monogamous (but not in my last marriage – which lasted 13 and ½ years.  Oh no!  It was my insanely jealous wife who took up with someone else.)  But there IS something delicious about forbidden fruit.      

Actually, I have been over, around, under, above and through the monogamous –not monogamous thing in nearly 40 years of relationships – four serious (including two marriages), one or two others that were close, and dozens that fall under the category of cheap & superficial (hey, there’s a time and place for everything!).  Sometimes we were exclusive, sometimes we weren’t. 

Fact is, half of all marriages end in divorce, with infidelity the major reason.  It seems a lot of people agree with me on monogamy, they just don’t like admitting it.   

I’ve always liked a statement (probably apocryphal) attributed to Aleksandra Kollontai, an early Bolshevik: “Having sex should be as simple as drinking a glass of water.”  Supposedly, Lenin said that was like drinking from a dirty glass.  There is no “official position” on the question, it’s all personal.